The Green-Eyed Monster of A Special Needs Sister

Daily Prompt – Tell us about the last time you were really, truly jealous of someone. Did you act on it? Did it hurt your relationship? 

The last time I was really, truly jealous of someone. Well, that’s easy. The only person I have ever envied is Yasin, my special needs brother. He has a happy disposition, a knack for starting conversations and the most heartwarming smile you’ll ever see. He also needs undivided attention. This is where it gets ugly. When I was around 11, Yasin had just entered this world. When I was around 11, I stumbled into a school environment that was, for me as foreign as I could hope to encounter. I became emotionally distant from my family, I was prone to violent outbursts, my thoughts were deluding, and it was as though some inane hand was suffocating me. I became really, truly jealous of Yasin. He never had to deal with such thoughts, such irreverent thoughts, such anger, such hatred.

I did act on it. My violent outbursts became even more violent. I hurt people. And then hurt myself, because I felt very guilty of what I had done. My parents tried very hard to help me and internalized my pain to the point where they had to put me on medication. I see now that it was the best thing they could have done.

Did it hurt my relationship with Yasin? I’m not sure. I sometimes feel as though he understands to the point where he forgives me, and says that it wasn’t my fault. But, then again, I also feel as though he was the most vitriolic old man I’d ever met, bitterly scathing of me to the point where he would do anything for revenge. But then I remember – he has a happy disposition, a knack for starting conversations, and the most heartwarming smile you’ll ever see. If he has a happy disposition generally, he won’t begrudge me what I’d done. If he has a knack of starting conversations, then he’ll know that the best way is to start with a hug, and that shows me that he’d forgiven me. If he has a heartwarming smile, well, do I need to elaborate further?

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